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TARP: Alternative Acronyms Edition

by: Index Universe October 07, 2008    
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By Matthew Hougan

Can somebody tell me who's in charge of acronyms down in Washington?

As the financial markets continue to unravel, I'm struck by the awful acronym of the Paulson bailout plan: TARP, or Troubled Asset Relief Program. 

A "tarp," according to Merriam-Webster, is short for "tarpaulin," which it defines as follows: a piece of material (as durable plastic) used for protecting exposed objects or areas.

That sounds pretty good, but you and I (and the American public) know what a tarp really is: It's the cheap coverall you use to temporarily hide more serious programs.

The last time I used a tarp was to cover the roof on my family's cabin in Maine, which had developed a nasty leak that I had neither the time nor the money to fix properly. My wife and I got up on the roof, covered it with a tarp, stapled that tarp to the shingles and then weighted it down with old tires (yes, it's rural Maine). It worked beautifully for a few weeks until a big storm came and blew both the tires and the tarp off the roof, leaving everything in worse shape than when I began.

That's probably a fair expectation for the TARP program too.

The U.S. Senate realized the shortcomings of the TARP acronym and tried to improve upon it, renaming it the Emergency Economic Stabilization Act of 2008, or EESA. Not surprisingly, TARP stuck ... EESA doesn't exactly roll off the tongue.

I thought I would pitch in as my patriotic duty and come up with an alternative acronym for this vital program ... something that would energize the country and fully and fairly describe the goals of the bailout.

My first thought? This bill is all about corporate responsibility. Wall Street made a mess and the taxpayer is picking up the tab. That makes the choice of acronyms painfully clear. It must be called the Corporate Responsibility Action Plan (CRAP).

But then I got to thinking. One of the big worries people have is "moral hazard" ... the fear that if investors believe the U.S. government will always bail out financial firms, they will be encouraged to take on too much risk in the financial markets. That's just what this bill achieves. So why not the Moral and Ethical Hazard (METH) bill? 

There are other options:

Financial Acquiescence by the Treasury to Corporate American Titans ( FATCAT )?

The Create Another Depression ((CAD)) plan?

Just Offer "K"orporations Everything (JOKE)?

Then it hit me: The best thing to do in times of crisis is to turn back to first principles ... to look at what really caused the crisis in the first place and use that to help name the program. 

The way I see it, AIG was the linchpin of recent developments. And fortunately, AIG is a nice acronym. It technically stands for American International Group, but it is so commonly used that it has become the de facto name for the failed insurance giant. Why not just steal AIG's acronym and rename TARP the "AIG Bill"?

What would that stand for? Oh, that's easy:

Arrogance, Ignorance and Greed

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This article has 7 comments:

  •  
    Oct 07 11:30 AM
    Financial Asset Relief for Trouble loans (FART).
    *Designed to stop the "runs" on the banks.
    *Some say it 'stinks'
    Reply
  •  
    Oct 07 11:45 AM
    Interesting CRAP! :)

    @gha
    Your's is funny as well.
    Just one problem with all of this; most investors are in the mood for a good cry, not laugh. I'm annoyed that this entire leg down we weren't allowed to short. GS and the old boys club had already purchased their short positions and are sitting pretty.

    Perhaps "Shorts Highly Intelligent Team" (SHIT) would better describe Paulson and the old boys club from GS.
    Reply
  •  
    Oct 07 11:50 AM
    here's another "crappy" one...

    Securitized Housing Investment Trust (SHIT)

    credit to someone who emailed that to CNBC.
    Reply
  •  
    Oct 07 11:59 AM
    Relief for Assets in Trouble - RAT
    Reply
  •  
    Oct 07 12:20 PM
    Bail Out of Many Bankstas (BOMB)

    Special Help for Assets in Financial Trouble (SHAFT)

    Securitized Collateral Requiring Extra Work Unwinding (SCREWU)

    Reply
  •  
    Oct 08 03:28 AM


    IN THE BEGINNING WAS THE PLAN
    AND THEN CAME THE ASSUMPTIONS
    AND THE ASSUMPTIONS WERE WITHOUT FORM
    AND THE PLAN WAS COMPLETELY WITHOUT SUBSTANCE
    AND THE DARKNESS WAS UPON THE FACE OF THE WORKERS
    AND THEY SPOKE AMONGST THEMSELVES, SAYING
    “IT IS A CROCK OF SHIT, AND IT STINKETH”,
    AND THE WORKERS WENT UNTO THEIR SUPERVISORS AND SAYETH
    “IT IS A PAIL OF DUNG AND NONE MAY ABIDE THE ODOR THEREOF”
    AND THE SUPERVISORS WENT UNTO THE MANAGERS AND SAYETH UNTO THEM,
    “IT IS A CONTAINER OF EXCREMENT AND IT IS VERY STRONG,
    SUCH THAT NONE MAY ABIDE BY IT.
    AND THE MANAGERS WENT UNTO THEIR DIRECTORS AND SAYETH
    “IT IS A VESSEL OF FERTILIZER, AND NONE MAY ABIDE ITS STRENGTH”
    AND THE DIRECTORS SPOKE AMONGST THEMSELVES, SAYING TO ONE TO ANOTHER,
    “IT CONTAINS THAT WHICH AIDS PLANT GROWTH, AND IT IS VERY STRONG”.
    AND THE DIRECTORS WENT UNTO THE VICE PRESIDENTS AND SAYETH UNTO THEM,
    “IT PROMOTES GROWTH AND IS VERY POWERFUL”.
    AND THE VICE PRESIDENTS, WENT UNTO THE PRESIDENT AND SAYETH UNTO HIM,
    “THIS NEW PLAN WILL ACTIVELY PROMOTE THE GROWTH AND EFFICIENCY OF THIS COMPANY, AND THESE AREAS IN PARTICULAR”,
    AND THE PRESIDENT LOOKED UPON THE PLAN,
    AND SAW IT WAS GOOD, AND THE PLAN BECAME POLICY.
    “THIS IS HOW SHIT HAPPENS”!
    Reply
  •  
    Nov 18 02:52 PM
    re: TARP acronyms - Great Article: Crying releases some of the toxic emotion, then Laughter heals some of the emotional damage. The METH and CRAP constructions brought to mind my recent 80 hours on a Grand Jury in Oregon - which confirmed that moral bankruptcy and greed are not confined to just the Financial Arena.

    Our Judicial system is also rife with Avarice and Corruption. The lawyers and judges are prospering from METHCRAP. Meth (the drug) is responsible for some 80-90% of all police and judicial actions and there is no "corporate" plan to clean things up, as too many have too much at stake in the status quo.

    Just as FDR sent an (outside) thief (Joseph Kennedy) to catch the (inside) thieves, we need an empowered moral crusader to clean things up; this is not done by relying on the Chief Foxes at the Treasury and Federal Reserve to Safeguard the Financial Hen Houses from the Self-Motivated Corporate Foxes.


    Reply
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